A Modern Take on LotF
by 100reasonswhy
Summary: The title makes it sound serious, but it's anything but. This is probably the stupidest parody you will ever read, so BEWARE. Immature humor, really bad jokes, and much more...this is the product of complete boredom. Looking for a laugh? Read on. This is Lord of the Flies told in terms so that everyone (even those people who claim to have swagger) WILL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND :D
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Obviously a parody. My writing is intended to be stupid here. If you want to see something serious and worthwhile, go read _Crumble to Infinity. _That's like, legit. This is not. The following story will have;

Horrendous grammar. But it's on purpose. I do know where to put commas and periods and all that fun stuff, so please don't go all grammar nazi on me. This is a joke.

Horrendous spelling. Again, solely for comedic value.

Mockery of the plot. I love LotF, so all the stuff I say in this is purely for the purpose of COMEDY PEOPLE.

Stereotypes. Oh goodness. If you can't handle stereotypes, I suggest you leave.

Unwarranted, immature humor. It's all really stupid. Honestly. That's all this is. STUPID. I was really bored and I'm having writer's block so I popped this out. It is the product of an entire week with the flu and solid bed rest.

Now please, enjoy ~

**CHAPTAH 1: DA MAGICHAL CONCH.**

So once upon a time there was this school in England, right, but there was also a war. So after a lot of bombs exploded in England and everything was all BOOM BA BOOM PFFFTTTT BOOOOOMMM and everyone was all like, AHH ERMAGERD WE'RE GOING TO DIE AH GOD SOMEONE SAVE US OHEMGEE, all the dudes and dudets on the school board decided to initiate an evacuation.

So. There was this one school - I can't remember the name but I bet my hat that it started with 'St.' and ended with 'School for Young Men' or something like that - anyways, the principal dude was like, WOAH BROSKIS WE GOTS TO GET THESE KIDS OUT OF HERE MAN. And then all the teachers were like, YEAH!

They split up all the kids by savage tendencies and put them on planes. Somehow, a couple kids from the non-savage plane got mixed up with the kids from the savage-plane, so now there was DIVERSITY. Oh god no.

The pilot of the savage-plane - his name was Phil - was driving the plane, being all cool and having a blast because he's cool like that, when suddenly he craved donuts.

"By God, I'm craving donuts," he said abruptly to his co-pilot, Maxine, who was a very attractive female.

Maxine batted her eyelashes and seductively pulled a donut from the donut compartment (yes, they do have those in the cockpits of airplanes...heh...cockpits...). She then proceeded to lick the donut and make really gross noises.

Phil was disgusted, so disgusted, that he swerved the plane straight into an island where he conveniently decided to kill both himself and Maxine.

Yes. It was actually a suicide crash. What.

Anyways, all the other adults on the plane suddenly remembered that they were on the savage-plane, so they also dove off from the wreckage and drowned themselves in the ocean.

Now there were a whole bunch of savage kids who actually did not know of their savage abilities floating in the water. A couple of sharks contemplated on eating them, but at a second glance, the boys were really malnourished (even though they had been living in civilization) and didn't exactly smell good.

"I'm not eating that," one shark said, snorting. Instead he devoured the dead bodies of all the adults, thus erasing any evidence that they actually existed. More sharks were encouraged by him and continued to eat the wreckage. This was all very convenient.

ANYWAYZ, a couple hours or so later, one particularly attractive boy washed up on shore. He had blonde hair and sparkly blue eyes and was nicknamed Superman because he was just that cool.

But he was also kind of naive and stoopid, but that doesn't apply to this chapter so we'll forget about it for now.

So this blonde was walking along the beach, pondering on the meaning of life and exactly who killed Mr. Burns and why did Hermione choose Ron over Harry Ron's a dick...But suddenly he heard this kind of squeal thing from behind him, and there was this nasally voice ringing out, "WAIT FOR MEH ERMAGERD."

But Blondie Boy was a rebel, so he didn't wait. He just kept walking.

The nasally person ran to catch up with Blondie Boy, but Blondie Boy started running because MY GOD who wants to be stuck with some FATSO...Wait, oops, skipping ahead on characterization there...disregard that...

Finally, Blondie tripped on a twig because he's a wuss and and the nasally person caught up.

"Wut be yur name?" Nasally boy asked. Blondie is totally grossed out because Nasally is like wheezing all over him.

"RALPH." And then Blondie - er, Ralph - took off running again. Nasally was quite disappointed.

"BUT WAIT ERMAGERD WHAT BOUT MY NAME."

A few minutes passed at Ralph decided to go swimming and do handstands because secretly, he always wanted to be a gymnast but his dad thought that was gay so...

"THEY USED TO CALL MEH PIGGY," the Nasally kid - who wore specs and was fat - said randomly. Ralph started laughing even though the name Piggy isn't really that funny, in fact it's kind of cute.

"HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! JAJAJJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJJAJA!"

Yep. He even laughed in Spanish.

Piggy was so appalled by Ralph's humor that he went into a spasm attack and started to randomly blurt out facts about himself. "I CAN'T SWIM...AUNTIE...ASTHMA!"

Ralph had a hearing impediment so he heard _ass-mar_ and was all like, "SUCKS TO YOUR ASS-MAR."

This is exactly why this book should not be read. Asthma is a serious condition and can lead to death. Ralph's insensitivity towards asthma just proves how intolerant blonde haired little boy assholes can be.

So, uh, then the two little freaks talked some more about the navy and crap and then Ralph, who was naked because he was not self-conscious about his body, was walking when le wild conch appears!

"YO WHAT BE DAT?" Ralph asked (he was gangster).

Piggy was pretty frustrated because Ralph also had a brain impediment that led to his lack of knowledge.

"THAT IS A CONCH SHELL," Piggy said in all caps because he was angry.

Ralph replied in italics, "_What does it do, Jedi Master Piggy?"_

"You blow it." Piggy raised his eyebrow seductively, you know, just in case he had the slightest chance with Ralph. But Ralph threw up and evidently did not have a fat boy fetish. And that was the end of that ship.

"I'm sad that our ship died so quickly, but srsly Ralph blow it." Piggy was serious now.

Ralph blew the conch shell and the conch was secretly happy, because everyone knows that the conch has a thing for Ralph. Then Ralph declared, "THE CONCH HAS BEEN BLOWN AND NOW ALL MY PEOPLE SHALL JOIN ME BY THIS PALM TREE."

And likewise, a whole bunch of random children fled from the forest and towards the palm tree on which Ralph sat (piggy did not because if he did the thing would probably snap).

So there were a bunch of kids. There was this one kid named Henry, and another named Harold, but they're pretty irrelevant and you'll probably end up disregarding them anyway because they're littluns. And then there was also these twins called Sam and Eric, but Piggy was stooooooopid and could not tell them apart, even though Sam was visibly taller than eric.

"DAMN YOU WHY CAN'T IT BE ERIC AND SAM!" Eric screamed.

Master Jedi Piggy patted his head and proceeded to call him Sam. Eric was sad.

So after a whole bunch of other random kids who neither Ralph nor Piggy had ever seen before joined them, this line of creepy black cloaks started moving down the beach. They were also singing some creepy song about creepy things, and they just looked creepy. Then again, they were all from the savage-plane, save the few who accidentally were put on the savage-plane, so everyone was kind of creepy.

So the creepy people finally reached Ralph and they were all like, snapping their fingers and crap and pretty pissed because their ginger leader wanted a trumpet.

"WHERE BE DA MAN WITH DA TRUMPET?" the ginger asked. He sure was ugleh.

Ralph was then like, "DERE BE NO MAN. I HAVE CONCH."

And so then the ginger was pissed off again because he honestly didn't like blondes and preferred brunettes. And then that ship combusted into a tiny million pieces.

"I feel bad that our ship died," the ginger said, "but I also feel entitled to tell you that my name is Jack but don't you dare call me Jack you fucking tard you better call me Merridew."

But nobody listened to him. Jack - er, Merridew - was about to say something about his middle name when some this kid who looked like an allegory just flopped down in the sand and fainted. Then all the other kids were like HAWHAWHAW HE FAINTED.

But don't worry, guys. A few choir kids - yes, the creepy kids were indeed the choir - moved the allegory kid under a palm leaf and hoped that would cure his magical prophesy-fainting-spells of glory.

So Piggy tried to speak and Jack's all like, "NAW YOU CAN'T EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE PROBABLY A REALLY NICE KID I'M JUST JUDGING YOU FROM YOUR LOOKS AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT BAD LOOKING BUT YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT SO I WILL CREATIVELY NICKNAME YOU FATTY."

"HIS NAME IS PIGGY," Ralph said because he truly thought he was being helpful. Everyone laughed in Spanish again and Piggy was embarrassed.

Once the fainted kid woke up, Jack proposed, "LET'S HAVE CHIEF."

Second reason not to read this book. Chief? DUDE THAT IS SO SAVAGE WHAT ARE YOU MUFASA? I don't even know. Wow I am bored.

All the other kids were all like, "YEAAAAAAHH CHIEF."

And then Jack was like, "I SHOULD BE CHIEF BECAUSE I'M SPECIAL AND GOOD EVEN THOUGH I WAS PUT ON THE SAVAGE-PLANE AND I CAN SING C SHARP FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE."

But then Ralph countered with, "THE MAGIC CONCH TOLD ME THAT WHOEVER HAS THE MAGIC CONCH IS CHIEF."

And it was settled. Ralph was chief. But Jack was pissed because he worked his WHOLE DAMN LIFE to be chief!

"But what can I be?" he whined.

Ralph then had the brilliantly stooooooopid idea of putting all the creepy choir kids in Jack's command and making them hunters.

"ALL YOU CREEPY CHOIR KIDS CAN BE HUNTERS YAY!"

And all the creepy choir kids were like, "YAY HUNTERS LET'S KILL FAINTED KID."

Oops. Spoiler again. Disregard that.

Afterwards, the choir kids all went down a creepy line and said their names and an ominous trait that they would eventually take in 100reasonswhy's story.

"HI I'M BILL, AND I WILL BE FORGETTABLE AND CHILL," a blonde haired boy named Bill said...coolly. He was like Horatio on CSI.

"HI I'M MAURICE AND I WILL BE STOOOOPID AND AFFECTIONATE AND LOVING. I WILL PROBABLY END UP BEING THE MAIN CHARACTER BECAUSE I AM 100REASONSWHY'S FAVORITE PERSON TO WRITE ABOUT," a brown headed boy named Maurice exclaimed...er...affectionately.

"HI I'M ROBERT AND I WILL HAVE NO RELEVANCE AT ALL," said Robert, a boy who will have no relevance at all.

Then an emo looking guy said creepily, "I'm Roger. And I'm sadistic. But I don't know it yet. I'm going to end up wanting to eat you all."

The fainted kid sat up and smiled. "I'm Simon and I'm really wise and I like butterflies and rainbows and ice cream and you probably will all think I'm gay."

Finally, Ralph, in a stroke of genius, decided he wanted an expedition.

"WE GOTZ TO MAKE SURE DAT DIS BE ISLAND," he yelled in all caps again. "CREEPY GINGER MALACHI JACK KID, YOU CAN COME AND WE CAN ACT LIKE FRIENDS IN ORDER TO GIVE THIS PLOT LINE DEPTH. AND THEN THAT ALLEGORY KID OF GLORY - SIMON, OR WHATEVER - CAN ALSO COME EVEN THOUGH HE JUST FAINTED IS HE EVEN HEALTHY ENOUGH TO WALK AROUND AN ISLAND IN THE SCORCHING HEAT?"

Nobody cared because Allegory Simon was obviously not fit for walking about the island but Ralph insisted that he should come. And then Rimon ship was all like, "YES. MAYBE I WILL STILL PREVAIL."

**A/N: **oh god what is this i don't even know.

Total ships I've killed: 2.

I don't dislike slash.

I'm just bored.

So I take my feelings out

on shipping pairs.

Sowwy.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Wow...people actually liked this? That makes happy.

**REVIEW RESPONSES:**

**Morgan: **Laughing in Spanish is so much fun :D I'll try to update everything soon - _Crumble to Infinity_ always takes a bit longer because it's just a completely different genre than mindless comedy. _Write Me a Letter - _strangely, I'm having writer's block with this haha, but hopefully I'll update it soon. I answer the letters in order of review, but I'll get to yours soon! (and I'll make it super long and extra awesome :D). _Lord of the Maurice__** - **_collab, with my younger bro. Updating always takes forever with that haha. Thanks for your reviews!

**Pechkapesh**: THANKS. I try. I really do.

**Collie Parkillo**: Have I told you that your pen name is amazing? Well it's amazing. Thank you - I thought it was quite touching myself.

**Lust ForTheLetters**: Poor Jalph. Don't worry - Raggy, Palph (idk), died alongside it. Thank you so much for your review. I'M SO GLAD MY STROKE OF GENIUS PLEASES YOU :D

**Katherine E Kora**: MUFASA. Yes. Thank you :D

**DeChagny**: I'm hoping your ship was Jalph and not Raggy ;D. Haha thank you for your support!

**ChocolateBeth**: Haha, ugh exams are so horrible. I just had my LotF one last semester. Thanks for your review! :D

**Hammsters**: I think it's almost as good as the original, to be perfectly honest. Thanks for review :D

I probably messed up all my facts and whatever, but who cares? That's why this is a parody.

**Now, enjoy~**

**CHAPTAH 2: EXPLORAHS OV DA WURLD.**

* * *

"C'MON," Ralph said, trudging down the beach with the creepy ginger and Allegory Simon. He then looked at the ginger and whispered in a not-so-very-good-whisper, "IF ALLEGORY SIMON WALKS BETWEEN US, WE CAN TALK OVER HIS HEAD." And then he made a :D face.

Jack frowned, and his crumpled, fugly face was even more fugly than usual.

"Dat kind of mean," he said before smiling. "BUT WHATEVS."

Suddenly, there was a horrible hurl of wheezing from behind them, and then Piggy's voice was ringing out: "WAIT FOR MEH GUIZ. PIGGEH GOEZ EXPLORAHEN TOO."

Allegory Simon flopped back in the sand and Jack screamed because Piggy really annoyed him, mostly because he was fat, and Jack only liked twig bitches. So then that ship exploded and vanished into thin air.

Ralph huffed and flicked his hair before turning towards that fat little prick.

"You can't come," he said, even though it probably made more sense for Piggy to come than the Allegory-Kid-of-Glory who kept fainting.

"B-but I helped you find the magic conch," Piggy sniveled. "A-and I'm wearing a windbreaker."

"That is a pretty sexy windbreaker," Ralph admitted. "But you're fat. And Jack doesn't like fat people. And we need Allegory Simon to show us the beauty of nature even though we'll blatantly ignore him by pushing boulders down cliffs and foreshadowing what Roger will end up doing to you."

"Oh." Piggy was quiet, because Ralph raised a good point there. "Welp. Plan B: YOU TOLD THEM MY NAME."

"No I didn't," Ralph replied innocently. "I told them the name you told me."

"I told you not to tell them!"

"BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY OTHER NAME TO TELL THEM." With that, Ralph turned away, calling to Piggy from over his shoulder, "TAKE THEIR NAMES AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THAT LIKE TWICE. OH, AND TRY NOT TO ANNOY TOO MANY PEOPLE YO."

Piggy was sad.

So, Ralph and Ginger - Woops, I mean Jack - and Allegory Simon went trudging through the woods alone. This, children, is a very dangerous thing to do, because what if there is a man eating walrus or a bear or Sarah Jessica Parker or some other dangerous thing? THE FOREST IS NO PLACE FOR THREE LITTLE CHILDREN. Haven't they ever heard of Slender Man...

Suddenly, in a spur of foreshadowing, Ralph saw a boulder and was like, "IT'S A BOULDAH LET'S HUG IT!"

Allegory Simon liked hugging things, so he was totally into hugging a lonely boulder. But Jack was secretly plotting to take advantage of Allegory Simon and that dumb blonde Ralph by PUSHING THE BOULDER DOWN DOWN DOWN. Oh. It was genius. He was brilliant.

So Ralph and Allegory Simon went to hug the boulder, and then the boulder said, "YAY FRIENDS AT LAST!"

But then Jack had ninja karate moves and karate chopped the boulder.

"AHHHH!" screamed the boulder.

Then Jack laughed because he pushed the boulder down and this made him happy. Dumb blonde Ralph didn't catch that Jack was trying to outwit him and laughed along because he was dumb. Allegory Simon was just kind of confuzzled: A) That was a perfectly nice boulder and to push it down a cliff was a waste of a boulder. B) Ralph was dumb.

So they scoured the rest of the island, just to make sure it was an island, even though it definitely was an island. And then, because he was so smart, Ralph declared, "THIS DEFINITELY BE AN ISLAND."

What a genius. This kid definitely deserves a gold star or something. Hats off to you, Ralph. You figured out the question that everyone was asking.

So then after they got bored of adventuring around the now-definitely-declared-island, they made their way back toward camp where Piggy was taking everyone's names for the twenty-fifth time.

Ralph approached Piggy and was all like, "WHY ARE YOU STILL TAKING NAMES FOR THE TWENTY-FIFTH TIME?"

And then Piggy was like, "Because you didn't give me anything else to do."

Ralph slapped his forehead. Boy, Piggy was almost as stoopid as him.

Then Ralph and the conch had another sensual moment as Ralph blew it and then ALL THE CHILDREN CAME RUNNING.

Once they were in a circle, Ralph started to speak.

"NOW, LITTLE CHILDREN OF GOD, I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT THIS IS DEFINITELY AN ISLAND."

Roger murmured, "I want to kill you." But nobody heard him. So Ralph continued.

"WE NEED RULEZ," Ralph said. "LOTS OF EM."

"LIKE WHAT?" One little child of God asked in a very annoying voice.

Ralph said, "LIKE YOU CAN'T SPEAK UNLESS YOU HAVE CONCH. EXCEPT ME. I CAN SPEAK WITHOUT CONCH BECAUSE I'M A BLONDE."

Everyone sighed and an accord of _aws_ went around, simply because Ralph was right. Blondes always got to speak without conches.

"Now," Ralph said again, looking at all his obedient followers. "We need more rules. MORE RULES I TELL YOU." Because he was stoopid, he could not think of any other rules, so a creepy little child of God with a fugly birthmark stepped forward.

"Whatsup Ralph?" the small child asked in a very deep voice that resembled a sexy black guy. Ralph frowned.

"Uh...just chilling on an island...how about you?"

The kid with the fugly birthmark was confused. "I didn't mean that literally."

"Then why did you ask it?" Ralph glared. "AND YOU NO HAVE CONCH SO YOU NO TALK, WEIRD BIRTHMARK KID."

Then Piggy was like, "MEH ASTHMA!" and snatched the conch from Ralph, promptly handing to the birthmark kid. The birthmark kid tipped his head like _aight thanks brother._

"So I think there's a beast, yo."

"THERE IS NO BEAST."

"Hang on a sec, bitch," the little birthmark kid said, stepping out. "Now hold up brother, but me and my bros, you know, we saw a snake thing-"

"PENIS."

The child sighed. "No, Maurice, it was not a penis."

"Are you sure?" Another child of God asked skeptically. "IT COULD'VE BEEN."

"A giant peni-"

"OKAY!" Ralph shouted. "THAT'S ENOUGH TALKING ABOUT PENISES."

"But I like them-"

"SHUT UP." Ralph turned back to the fugly kid with the black voice. "WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT A BEAST?"

"Well, there's a beast," the kid said before walking off coolly. "And uh, we should get rid of it."

And then Ralph was all like, "FIRE! WE CAN BURN DOWN THE ISLAND AND THEN IT'LL BE GONE."

And everyone screamed, "HURRAY!"

And that, children, is how I met your mother.

* * *

**A/N**: It feels weird writing comedy.


End file.
